Not so long ago we at Rich in Relationship were lucky to have Jimmy on our podcast to talk about how our own limiting beliefs can poison a perfectly good relationship. That's right, a loving relationship can actually be poisoned by our own past experiences! (go listen to the episode!).
Have you ever looked at the sky and said "wow, the clouds are so pink today" only to realize you're wearing sunglasses? You take them off and everything takes on a new hue?
Beliefs are a lot like that, we don't always know we are looking at our partner through them. All relationships are vulnerable to our own beliefs. It is not always easy to recognize when this is happening. It can appear like the problem is the other person,
Jimmy told us it all basically started out for him with a single book: Calling him “the one”, by Katherine Woodward Thomas. This book helped him really see how he acted on relationships, his patterns and beliefs, and basically notice how he was self-sabotaging his relationships.
What you´ve got to learn from his story is pretty simple: your past relationships affect your present ones, in particular, those relationships you had with your parents. Whether you notice it or not!
Most limiting beliefs are born out of some form of emotional trauma in which we felt like and probably actually were a victim. The problem with the belief is it is grounded in the experience of being a victim. We are wearing the "glasses" of a victim and see only the possibility of being hurt again. You need to have a conversation with yourself, go full Inspector Gadget-mode and see what's going on within you let go of the fear of being victimized (which sometimes we slip into without even noticing!).
The only way possible for you to heal those wounds is by tackling them head-on. Maybe you can start out by asking yourself some of these questions:
● What do you think of yourself when relating to others?
● How do you feel?
● Do you feel powerless?
● Maybe you think you´re not worthy of somebody's love?
● What are the words that come out of your mind when talking to yourself about this?
And probably, some of the most important ones are:
● How was my relationship with my father?
● How was my relationship with my mother?
Maybe some problem here is provoking some limiting beliefs that stop you from having the wonderful relationships that you could be having.
Learning To Forgive
Sometimes people hear about forgiving and think of it as a sign of weakness towards that person who wronged you. Actually, it's quite the contrary. Just as Jimmy puts it, “forgiveness was for me and not for him.”
Letting go of the past is a prerequisite to moving forward in life. Forgiving/Letting go of past experiences is the proven method for overcoming them. Studies show that holding on to a grudge is not only bad for your mind, but negatively impacts health and even shortens lives.
How Can You Start Combating These Patterns In Yourself?
As Jimmy explained, there are 4 actionable steps that you should take in order to get rid of those patterns and beliefs.
1- Identifying the patterns with current relationships
Identify patterns within yourself, dating patterns throughout your life, words that you use, your beliefs. What type of people do you usually date? What do they have in common?
2- Rooting where they started
Root back to your childhood, understand the dynamic your family had. Were there any patterns affecting you there?
Even something about your relationship with your siblings may come up while exploring your inner reality here.
3- Create an intention
You´ve probably heard of this one in many self-help books, so you might find it a little cliche. But seriously, it's probably one of the most important parts in the process.
Without a clear intention on how you want to act, how you want to feel, where you want to be, you´re basically going all over the place, not achieving much.
4- Make a list of wants and needs
Once you know where you want to be, you can start understanding yourself more clearly. Here, you´ll be able to understand the kind of person you want and, most importantly, differentiate it from the one you NEED.
The key here is allowing yourself to be vulnerable.
You´ll be seeing yourself fleshed out before your eyes (kind of), and you have to be prepared to reach some really hurt parts within you.
If you permit yourself to do this and you follow the steps from before, be sure, you´re on your way to some amazing changes in your life!
This may even help you with your current relationships, some of which may be undergoing some serious problems. If even after following this you can´t seem to change this, maybe
you´ll need somebody's help.
Don't freak out! It´s super normal, and many people who get help end up as good as new in their relationships so.... be brave!