“Leaning into it actually helps you eventually push through." -Brene Brown.
I am not going to lie. Leaning in is uncomfortable as hell and it's the most liberating thing one can do for their life and love. This is something I am starting to have my clients do all the time. They hem and haw. They react and there is always this deep SIGH when I request them to lean into the uncomfortableness of a conversation that need to have with a loved one.
Men have a hard time leaning into the discomfort of their vulnerability. We shame each other for revealing our feelings. We say stuff like "Man up" "Stop being a pussy.""Get some balls man." Yet men struggles so much in relationships while their partners are left clueless as to what is going on or how to mend the relationship. Your partner can't help you if you can't help you. If we can't articulate what's at the root of the issues in relationships, then we can not mend, heal, grow in our relationships.
We can't get back to love or loving, if we don't know what's blocking us from loving.
When I lean in, I get this wired feeling in the pit of my stomach that I just want to throw up. My voice shakes. I can't even get the words out of my mouth. My hand starts to sweat with only the thought of having a difficult conversation and owning up to my part with in a relationship.
When my coach pointed out that I needed to either set a boundary with one of my best friends or I needed the cut them out of my life, I wanted to throw up because it hit me. I had never had nor have I been good at setting boundaries. I didn't know that I needed to set boundaries in order to be happy with my relationship. I was so confronted and deep down I knew it had to happen.
In Brene Brown's research, she says that the people who were happier in their life and love where the people who leaned in and who were vulnerable. And with that in mind, I had one of the most difficult conversations that I have had with someone I love. It took everything in my to pick up the phone and call my best friend and say "I don't feel safe opening up myself with you." And in return, he said "I don't feel safe opening up to you either."
There was a long pause.
I think it crashed both of us to utter those words and it was the start of us slowly rebuilding our relationship or not. And we both had to be okay with that idea.
"Where do we go from here?" he said. "I don't know." I said. And so how, we both felt littler because the conversation shifted and it became littler and I felt heard for the first time in a long time with my best friend.